Oscar's struggle - suicidal thoughts
"Can't they see I'm lying in my own pool of blood? What do they expect me to say? What more should I do for someone to come to my rescue?"
Oscar is in so much pain that she wishes to say she wants everything to end here, right here, right now. She wants to put an end to everything. "Life isn't worth living. This is a trap, I don't wanna live. Everyone, everything is a fucking lie"
At that desperate moment, I can sense that she doesn't need validation on her frustration, but she may need validation on her suicidal thoughts. Although they are not tangible, they are real. For some listeners, they will sit with Oscar's fear and distress, and say "Of course you feel sad. I understand how you feel". That is one way to comfort the nerves, another avenue I explore is that "I heard you say you wanna bring your pain and life to an end. I respect that you are considering seriously to kill yourself but I hope you will stay. Now, tell me what happened".
Throughout the 30 years of her life, she is a fighter. She learnt to be independent when she was 6, her father left the family and brother fell ill. I can see Oscar has had a hundred cuts accumulated over the last three decades, now she is bleeding her last drop. I imagine the least she wants to hear is "That sounds very difficult but you need to work on it. You need mindfulness." She always knows how much self-efficacy she has, which makes the suicidal thoughts scary. She has been so capable all these years, she doesn't know what "losing control" means. From those childhood hardships, I can guess by now, she will have known every motivational quote by heart, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger", "Nothing is impossible", "If you can get through that, you will get through this". But humans are social beings, we need a companion and an anchor at times, we can't overcome everything ourselves. From clinical experience, when someone like Oscar who has missed this reliable anchor since 6 years old, motivational quotes and reassurance are things she needs least. What she needs at prime is someone to acknowledge this vulnerability in her that all humans share.
When life has given you a hard time for 20 years or more, your feelings become numb and they reach saturation. You need to let the steam out. Oscar knows exactly what went wrong, what suicidal feelings are like, but she is only scared to say. She has worn this strong and independent persona for far too long, she has forgotten she has the need to articulate distress or cry for help too. This emotional breakdown is outside her norms, she thinks that she has become "depressed, abnormal and crazy". However, to my point of view, she is simply having a hard time and she doesn't know how to tell others that she has all these scary thoughts and inexplicable feelings that she doesn't know how to handle. What she needs is time, some emotional and moral support, stability and certainty. Those are what we offer in the sessions. In a safe space and a consistent schedule, she manages to face her emotional turmoil and regain energy slowly but surely.
Music
Mika Nakashima - 中島美嘉 - 僕が死のうと思ったのは (I Had Thought of Dying At Times)
Books
The Vegetarian, written by Han Kang
TV dramas
This Way Up - written by Aisling Bea
It's Okay to be Not Okay - written by Jo Yong
Book a session today and get a complimentary follow-up session.
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 800-273-8255 and online chat is also available. You can also text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis text line counselor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org. In Hong Kong, you can contact Samaritans on 23892222, (Different languages: 28960000), the Richmond Fellowship of Hong Kong (利民會) via 3512 2626, Suicide Prevention Services (生命熱線) 2382 0000, Tung Wah Group of Hospitals CEASE Crisis Centre (東華三院芷若園熱線) 18281.
Disclaimer: The clients have given their consent for all the publications and their names have been changed to protect their identity.
